Cut the Shit

Back. Didn't you always hate those people that when writing in your yearbook or a letter or whatever, they are like: "Gotta go shower, be back in a minute." And then it would be "Hi...so I am back".
I think you understand the point I am trying to make.
So I gotta drive home today. I am very excited to go to my place in Albany. My parents have planned some very fun things for my birthday. Holy fuck I am going to be 25! Um. Yeah...at 25 I thought that I would DEFINITELY be piss ass broke working for a Jewish organization. Hmmm. yeah.
Tonight, my parents and I are going to drink some wine, smoke some bowls, eat tacos, and just enjoy being in eachother's presence. I don't get to see them nearly enough. Tomorrow, we celebrate my birthday and I have no clue what could be in store for me. Kind of fun.
Lies.
REAL fun. I just wish I could take a quick nap before I drive home. That would be ideal.
I feel like as I type, my brain just goes soft and here I sit dumb and brain softed. No headache, but no intelligence either. Kind of a horrible trade off if you ask me.
Also, my eyes go lazy after two seconds of not blinking.
I might be tired.
Yeah, that's it.
OK, so I gotta go. I feel like I am in outer space right now.
Ian is in Rita's office talking and talking and talking and talking...
Should it annoy me? cuz it does. He is just so....so...so...oh I don't know. Nice?
Yeah...he is just so nice.
Balright...goodnight and goodmorning.
HAPPY GAY PRIDE ALL!

Well, I have been at work for about 2 hours and haven't even pretended to do any real work. Man this job is cake during the summer.
So LAST night turned into an event that was totally unexpected and wonderful. It started with simple margaritas at The Heights, this absolutely adorable little bar/restaurant down the street from work. We (Penelope, Kelly, Rita, and myself) sat on the roof top patio and chugged down some frozen margaritas, margaritas on the rocks, and some free shots. I mean wow! They was good and so were the talks and laughs that we had.
After two hours of drinking, and having experienced a torrential downpour, we finally peeled our asses off of the seats and got cabs home. Rita and Kelly were being loud in the cab and I actually asked them to quiet down. That was horrible of me. A lot of bullshit has been going through my head these days and I thank God that I have such good friends to be able to vent to. They were so respectful and polite and allowed me to be the killjoy. I appreciate the support. All of it.
Once home, Rita goes "I'll be back in a couple minutes" and up and bolted from the apartment. After five minutes of wondering where the heck she could have gone, Rita returns with 3 slices of steaming hot pizza. Now...what gift could be better than that!?!? After eating her slice, Rita went to put her bag down in her room and ended up passing out completely on her bed, leaving us to wonder...is she dead or alive?
No one checked on her.
She was dead. And it's all our fault! Stupid Joe. Stupid Kelly. We let our friend die.
Kelly and I stayed up and drank a DOUBLE bottle of red wine. Needless to say, I was pretty trashed by the time I went to bed. Kelly and I had some intensely wonderful talks and listened to some great music. It was all very nice. Around 1:30am I shoved the pizza in my face and collapsed on my bed, passing out almost instantly.
This morning at 8am I rolled out of bed to pack my shit for home and to shower the grime off my sweaty, nasty body. Rough morning. Finding a parking spot in the city is a nightmare, but I actually scored a sweet spot right in front of the building.
God works in mysterious ways.
Oh man. I gotta go put more change in the meter. shit mother fucker don't want to get off my lazy ass and go do that, but
BE RIGHT BACK!

The funniest quote I heard/read all day:
"I don't like giving presents to selfish girls".

So once again my mom is the most amazing woman on the planet.
I have been researching car rental places for Paul and I for the big vakay. The best deal I could find was $300 for the week (insurance included) for a shitty cavalier. That is an impossibility. Paul and I are not spending all of our money on a car rental. Cuz then the only fun we would have would be driving around town. And then driving some more. We'd probably take a break for a bite to eat and then jump in the car again to do some more driving.
I call my mom and explain to her that I don't want to spend my vacation driving around town and doing nothing else.
She's like: "Give me 5 minutes".
I sit patiently and wait for her to call back.
When she does, she informs me that she has reserved us a car for $167 total. (insurance included)
UM! Is this woman an angel sent from God? Cuz I think maybe. Now, not only do we have a phat place to stay in, we have a car to drive around wherever we want. The beach is about an hour away from where we are. We would have taken a bus, or ridden bikes. HAHAHAHA
But now...eh, we jump in our ride and cruise on down to the sand. I might even park it right on the beach. :-D
And the best part of the whole thing is....WE PICK IT UP AT THE AIRPORT! AWESOME! No cabs ever!
I love you mom. You are constantly saving my ass.

Just thought of something...Kelly, if you don't check the "Weather in Hell" today, then you will be a little shocked that I even gave you a hell.
Just in case you don't check...today's weather in hell is "Cat food up to your armpits."

This "Weather in Hell" thing that I put on my site changes daily. So Kelly, if you are ever wondering what your hell is on any particular day, go to this date and you will see that it has changed.
winkles!

KELLY'S HELL:

Well today is off to a rough start already.
At least it is 11am. Time sure flies when you are bullshitting on AIM all morning.
Last night Rita and I went to dinner at the NEPTUNE.
The Neptune is Kelly, Rita and my favorite restaurant. I have always gotten chicken souvlaki. Always. I think we have been there about 18 times since we have moved to Astoria and I get it on every visit. Well once I got a cheeseburger. But that one time sucked, so that doesn't count. Their food is excellent and the service is so quick. I literally SHOVED my face and actually at one point Rita goes: "You're pretty stoned, huh?". It was that obvious. I only smoked a bowl, but it went right to my head. Somewhat like bubbly. It was a good night. It's nice to do things like that once in awhile.
Tonight, Kelly, Rita and I are going out for Ritas. Margaritas. We are going to this place called the "Heights". Supposedly it is this roof top bar and it is pretty cool. Can't wait to see what they got to offer. I don't think I have ever gone out just for ritas before. Gonna be interesting. I don't even know if I like margaritas. The only time I have really had them have been at TGI Fridays or a mexican restaurant.
What else...Penelope is patiently, sort of, waiting for a return email from a boy that she potentially has a minor crush on. No email as of this entry, but we all have our fingers crossed that he will contact her asap. I think he will.
I know he will.
I saw part of The West Wing last night. I think I may have to watch this show next season. It's pretty good. Even if I don't understand a word they are saying.
Also, South Park did an amazing homage to the Simpsons last night. That was great.
And lastly, I saw part of CrankYankers or whatever that new show on Comedy Central is. It was amusing and then I jerked off and went to bed.
I printed out the EMINEM lyrics to "Without Me" this morning. I was unpleasantly surprised to find that not only does he rip apart Moby in the second verse, he also calls him a "fag". What is wrong with these people? I think EMINEM is an amazing artist, but shit like that is just so uncalled for. If anything, he's the fag. If anything...let's just stop using that term fag.
Last friday night, when I called Paul to tell him about the guy that ripped me apart on the bus, one of the idiot things he said was:
"Well, Joe. You call people fag too. What goes around comes around."
It hurt that he said that, cuz when I use it, I think it's ok. Now the more I think about it...I realize that it's not ok. I used to be afraid to even utter a word that rhymed with fag. But now, I use it pretty frequently. I am going to try to curb it again. Although Paul was ignorant in what he said, he does have a point. And he doesn't use the word. So I will see what I can do about this.
As for words like "Dyke and lesbo", I can DEFINITELY still use those cuz I'm not one and it won't hurt to be called that.
Makes sense.
;)
What else...today for lunch Rita and I are getting California Rolls. "Pizza Friday" now has a sister called "California Roll Thursday". And I love them. Pretty hungry and pretty excited to shove my face with 8 rolls at lunch. hee hee hee hee (puke)
Alright...enoughs enough.

SO my mom just calls me and tells me that my granny's house was hit by a tornado. UM!
It took her porch right off the house. It flew into the sky or the lake or whatever. (She lives in Utica on a lake.)
OMIGOD! Does this really happen to little old ladies?
How awful. I have been trying to reach her but the line is consistently busy.
MY POOR GRANNY!
:(

WOW.
COULD I BE MORE FUCKING BORED AT MY JOB???
At least I have some friends to play with and pizza down the block. If it weren't for those two things, I just don't know what I would do. However, I have the most intense garlic breath now. It's pretty bad. Every time I burp...I go "Now what is THAT flavor?" And then I realize, it's piggy-ness. I ate two slices AND had a cigarette in about 12 minutes. Um. Help me someone.
So I wrote Paul this full page email. He has this new job, as I have mentioned.
So I write him this huge email to which he responds with the following:
"Here I am."
HAHAHAHAHA
No really. That's all he wrote back.
"Here I am."
Here I am.
What a crazy monster.
Also..one other thing....
TWO RITAS AND I AINT KIDDING THIS TIME~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TWO. RITAS. OR. NO. RITAS. And I don't mean Rita Lovely.
The end.

Ever wonder why those frogs come flying out of the sky in the movie Magnolia?
Well, it has been plaguing me ever since I saw it. Luckily, Penelope is a fucking genius and strange coincidences happen to her all the time. Visit her blogger and read today's entry to learn more.

Something else pretty great happened today.
I was outside reading my new book How to be a Working Actor when I came across a section on headshots. It seemed as though I did everything right:
Wear only solid colors, no jewelry for men, two different shots (open mouth/closed mouth), pictures with warmth in the eyes, pictures that look like myself, pics that make you want to stare at them for awhile and then: "Choose a photographer in NYC or Los Angeles. It's not that local photographers are untalented, they simply do not have a frame of reference to do the photo work that you will need." I breathe a sigh of relief (not that it REALLY matters anyway) and kept reading. "We've included some names of photographers that consistently get attention in both NYC and Los Angeles."
UM...NICK GRANITO is on the list folks! My jaw about hit the ground! I guess I did something right! YAY!
Now let's see if it will net me any gigs.
yipes.

KELLY IS CORRECT! I forgot LIFEBOAT as one of the movies I saw in that 36 hour span this weekend. DAMN!
BTW...LIFEBOAT is amazing! It is a classic with Tallulah Bankhead and it is wonderful.
And...LOL...Kelly...I love that little motorcycling emoticon in the guestbook. I died laughing when I saw it.

X-(

That is me dead.

Hi all. So far today has been a bit better than yesterday. I didn't get much more sleep than I did the night before, but I feel a little less zombie-ish that I did yesterday at this time.
So BIG news. I got home yesterday to find my headshots waiting in the mailbox for me! I ran into the house, sat at the table, had a minor panic attack and opened the envelope. Inside were two of the best pictures I have ever seen of myself! I was ELATED. They both came out exactly like I wanted and I was actually a little suprised at how well the touch ups look. The pictures are a lot brighter, more clear, and I just about love them to death. I am very proud. I prayed so desperately for these to be good and whether or not anyone else likes them in the world...I do. They give me confidence and they are surely a perfect start to my "career". Gosh...I can't wait until the day when I can say my "career" and mean it seriously. Thank you to everyone for getting me through this whole process. Without you I would have had about 17 mental breakdowns and surely one of them would have destroyed me. Especially you Rita. You have convinced me that I am in fact NOT bald. :-D
I am hungry. And I haven't taken a shit since dinner last night. Where the hell did all that bullshit go? Hopefully right to my ass. I definitely need that.
So we had a GREAT TIME last Friday at Ian's party. The night started off on a rough note (see Saturdays entry for explanation), but ended so well. Rita and I made some new friends and SHMOOZED like it was nobody's business. I drank red wine all night and it was goooood. So good in fact that I spilled a glass of it all over my new pants. Kelly and Rita spent the entire weekend trying every trick in the book to get the stain out and nothing worked. White wine does not always get out red wine. Salt water does not always get out red wine. Shout wipes can fuck off forever.
I met (well...actually second time I met) this guy Rick that night. He is sorta cute. Older, which I like, nice body, but way too small for my tastes, and so fucking pushy that I think he wanted me to knock him out.
He was all over my shit. I explained to him over and over about Paul and he wouldn't let up. Everyone was smoking my cigarettes and Rick left to walk his friend to the subway, only to return with a pack of cigarettes for me. Mind you, he smoked none of them earlier. He kissed me over and over and I just sat there trying to escape. He tried to be sweet, telling me all this bullshit, but the moment was over when he grabbed my dick through my pants. FUCKING ASSHOLES. Someone please tell me WHY gay men do this to other gay men??? This is the second time this has happened to me with douchebags. I lose EVERY OUNCE of respect for a guy when he does that. It's not funny and by the way...get your fucking hand off my dick...which you would never get to touch in any case. UGH. So Rick...33 year old idiot.
Needless to say, I will not be asking Rick to hang out ever in my lifetime. And if he calls me at work (unfortunately he has my work number through Ian), I will be explaining to him how men with no class can go shopping for boys on the corner.
This bitch got class.
One really good thing that happened at the party...
I met this girl named India. (yes all of the gay men at the party sang "Thank you India" to her over and over---and yes,it was superbly annoying) India proceeds to tell me that I am "gorgeous" and makes my night with her sweetness. She was really great. Turns out that she works as an assistant casting director. She told me that a good friend of her "Lamont" is a casting director for As the World Turns.
As soon as I get my reprints done, I will be sending her my resume/pic/cover letter. HOW AMAZING!
It's one direction to pursue. That's for sure. She said that Lamont will "love me". Meaning he will want me to suck his dick.
Baright.
No problem there.
Just as long as he doesn't grab my dick through my pants. THAT is just unclassy.
After the party, Kelly, Rita and I went home to hang at the house and to talk.
It was an amazing night. I had so much fun. It's nice not to have expectations for things, cuz then when it turns out good...the whole night is a BLAST!
K...think that is it for now.
Latas.

Well, it is one of those days. You know those days, when there is nothing to look forward to and you hate everything for no reason. I must admit...it could be a Monday thing. I hated last Monday too so maybe I am catching on to something. That's it. No more Mondays at work. Mondays are meant to be spent in bed and staring at the wall.
Oddly enough, I feel as though I hate Mondays more than I hate Sundays. At least with Sundays you don't have to pretend that it is a shitty day. And you get to sleep late. Sundays ain't so bad in comparison.
I miss Paul tremendously today. I just wrote him a letter explaining how much I love him and miss him. I feel like he doesn't hear either of those two things enough from me. He needs to.
I leave for vacation in a month and two days. ROCK. I really can't wait. Plus...my birfday is next week and that is pretty cool. Pretty cool cuz it will be a very long weekend taken by me. We have off both July 4th and the 5th. Our boss was incredibly cool for letting that happen. Don't say he never gave us anything. ;)
I am so tired today. Slept for about 4 and a half hours. It was so sweaty and muggy in my room last night. I basically laid on top of the fan and even that was of no use.
Rita tells me to put the fan in my window. It's worth a try. Doing that the minute I go into my room tonight.
I was just thinking about Kyle from the Real World. Just sitting here and thinking about him. Who does that?
He is the only straight guy that I have come across that acts like such a catty bitch. He really is a piece of shit. What was I ever thinking when I fell in love with him a couple months ago. Not only has he become the ugliest face on tv...his personality makes it almost impossible for him to be human. If you missed last weeks Real World episode, it will be on again at 9:30pm tomorrow night. Watch it. The way he and Kera act will allow you to get out any sort of misplaced anger. Direct it right at these two monsters. They are beasts. No...worse then beasts. They are ugly inside and out. And pussies. They are DEFINITELY pussies.
In 36 hours this weekend, I watched the following movies:
Monster's Ball
Legally Blonde
Black Hawk Down
The Truth About Cats and Dogs
Scream 3
Damn. That's quite a lot of movies huh? If you think about it...that is 10 hours of movies in 36 hours. And I must have slept and ate at some point too, right?
I definitely recommend each and every one of the movies I saw. They were all entertaining, some intense, others ridiculous, but most of all...relaxing.
Alright. I think that be it for today.
Basically didn't want a day to go by without writing. But it might have been better off if I did. This entry even put me to sleep.

So probably for the first time in my blogger history I am writing about something that happened to me tonight that affected me in a really emotional way. I am actually using this blogger as a way to get out some of the feelings that I have since Paul was really of no use. (wasted...and saying the total wrong things. I politely got off the phone)
Rita and I were riding the bus to Ian's party from Queens. The bus picks us up at the subway stop and proceeds over the Triborough and into Harlem...125th Street. The bus fills up and Rita and I are bullshitting. This black guy with a gigantic laundry bag walks by Rita and I, hitting me in the leg with the laundry bag to which we both make eye contact and nod...no problems, and puts it on the seat next to Reets.
Rita and I continue to laugh and talk when suddenly...and I mean SUDDENLY, this guy starts yelling in a very loud voice"You are a FAG dude. You are flirting with her and you're a fag. FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG..." I have no idea what was coming out of his mouth at that point. Without ever once making eye contact with me, this guy yelled to everyone on the bus any and every possible derogatory comment imaginable. The entire time I sat there quietly looking at him in shock. Luckily...the other people on the bus (nationalities mixed) were looking at me in the eye and giving me the "He's crazy/I'm sorry you are dealing with this look". That helped a bit. For about 5 solid minutes, this guy took ZERO breaths and yelled to the bus that I was a fag mother fucker gay boy liar fag something whatever. It was the scariest 10 minutes of my life.
I go through every day feeling safe. In a city this size, I walk down the streets with my head held high and my self esteem booming. In the blink of an eye someone can change that entire outlook. I've been lucky. I have never had a problem here. But now...
This has shaken me up a bit. I sit here, after the night is all over and it is 4:30am, and I am scared. I am choked up and I am embarrassed. If I ever thought that I could escape my past, tonight was proof that it will always remain in my concious.
Tonight was a challenge that without Rita I would not have overcome. I wanted to be strong and I was. I am pretty impressed with how gracefully I handled it. I was in shock. And thank God it was Rita. I didn't feel embarrassed in front of her. I felt safe next to her. I felt loved and understood. I said to both Kelly and Rita tonight that I couldn't imagine dealing with that with someone other than them. Even Penelope...I couldn't do it. It is such a humbling and humiliating moment and I always worry that the other person is going to be embarrassed of me.
I went through 3 years of highschool fearing everything. Based on these experiences I couldn't even walk to refill my glass in the dining hall without fear of someone laughing, pointing, or saying something that would crush me. Up until I came out at the age of 21 did the shit stop. I lived and survived 8 years of pure torment. It started in 8th grade and didn't finish until Senior year. (the first senior year) :)
I have risen above this. I have to understand that this happens. I was too comfortable and I needed my world shaken up. We all have to be careful here. You girls especially. Shit goes wrong way too easily.
I will move past this and eventually it will be as though it never happened. But for now...I am a little wiser, a little more aware, and stronger in my faith in God than I have ever been.
It is through him that we get tested, but not destroyed.
What a night.

So I had my cigarette and haven't gone to the bathroom yet. However, I did leave a nice egg bomb in the elevator for the next person to use it.
Now my intestines are boiling. bubbling. whatever it is. It's coming.
yowzahs. its gonna be a doozy.

IT'S FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDAY!
ROCK.
Siffle and Olly Rock!
This week, although not a bad week was a SLOW week. It crawled like molasses. And I hate molasses. I can't believe I get to sleep in for two whole days in a row. I can't wait to stay up super late tonight to watch movies, be wasted, and masturbate masturbate masturbate. I just love tugging on my dick sometimes. Feels kinda good.
So last night I had a wonderful time with Penelope. We laughed, drank, played games, acted liked lunatics...ok...I acted like a lunatic and smoked about 1000 bongs. Thank you for that P. (I have been out of pot for a couple days now and I was JUH JONSING last night) I kept being like "wanna pack it again?...no really...pack it again." Who the hell do I think I am?
She was so generous as always. We also spoke about some Paul related issues to which she gave some incredible insight as to the fight I had with him the other day. This girl has got wisdom. I have said it before and I will say it again. She teaches me new things every time I sit and talk with her.
I only smoked 4 cigarettes yesterday. YAYAYAYAYAY.
lie. I smoked about 4 every 15 minutes. But they tasted so good! YAYAYAYAYAAYAYAY
Want to hear something really strange? Yesterday when I was in the park I saw a squirrel with a bright green tail. It was bushy and green. Um. I thought maybe he dipped it into paint by accident.
eh...lying about this too.
never happened.
Truthfully though...and this IS true...I was in Urban Outfitters last week and Mariah goes: "JOE...do not make a scene, but turn around and look who is standing behind you." I do and see no one. Then Mariah goes: "Joe...it's Kelly from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge! You know...with Danny!" I BUGGED! It was the first pseudo-famous person I have seen in the city. I once saw the back of Natalie Portman's head, but she had lice and I don't like lice. I stared at Kelly for about a thousand seconds and noticed that she was with a TALL, beautiful man. It was quite the experience and THANKS to Mariah for pointing that one out. Bitch didn't even really watch the show...and I watched it every week. But I would never have recognized her.
Kelly...I read your sister's away message and it says:
"Out to lunch w/gen & sons!... then 50 FOOT slip n' slidin!:-D!...lol....& then possibly to the Y...i*ll be home sumtime later. Love You~* <3/*aly*"
UM! 50 Foot Slip n slide!?!?!?!?! LUCKY! Why can't I go on a 50 ft. slip n slide??? I've been a good boy this week. A really good boy. Stupid slip n slide'n assholes.
TONIGHT PARTY AT IAN'S! It will prolly suck, but I am really excited about it. Never get to go to parties. And if it does in fact suck...I am grabbing Rita and Mariah's hands and bolting from the pad. We will be up by work so we should be able to take the bus. Wouldn't that be different and enjoyable? I plan on having bottled water and coffee all night.
Gotta lay off the booze.
LOLOLOLOLOLOL
in other news...my brother called me two days in a row. It was AMAZING to talk to him. Always is. But today we talked for 3 minutes and I go "Ok winfield. I don't know what else to say. I'm just gonna go now." He burst out laughing and was like "Fine. I will call you Sunday." Good boy he is.
Oh! Here's a tidbit of information from our friend Penelope.
To place a 411 call free of charge. Dial 555-5555. No matter what area code you are in.
FUCKING AMAZING RIGHT!? So no more bullshit charges for simple addresses. Awesome.
I have tested it out and it works. Thank her yourself.
Time to go have a smoke with P before she goes home. Then it might be up to the 5th floor bathroom. I got something brewing and it ain't a fucking potroast. (unless potroast comes in liquid form)

So I have to tell my blogging world something that happened as soon as I got into the office this morning.
I opened my email account to find the most wonderful message from Paul.
You see...yesterday...at the height of our huge arguement, we began sending mini emails back and forth.
This is how the dialogue went:
Paul: "You hurt me so much. You don't even realize it."
Joe: "Stop throwing things in my face. I wouldn't hurt you if you consistently didn't hurt me."
P: "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
J: "Fine. I get it."
P: "OH. I GET IT!"
J: "Go fuck yourself."
(At this point I begin sending him message upon message (53 to be exact) to his cell phone with only the number "1" written in the body of the email)
P: "Stop with the baby 1's."
J: "Fuck you. Leave me alone please."
(He does leave me alone for a bit and then I write:)
J: " :("
P: " :( X 10000"
J: " :( X 100000000000000000infinity"
J: "Call me please"
He then called and we had a short, but sweet conversation in which I got off very weird. (I was still very upset and hurt)
Last night I called him and left a message telling him that I loved him and that I missed him and hated fighting with him. I also said how much I fucking hate this long distance bullshit because we can never make up properly.
He never called back. But this morning I came in to find this message in my inbox:
Paul: "Here i am home again. Without tu. Again. I love you. I love you X 9999 infinity."

Are we serious? This is the reason I love this boy. He is so thoughtful and sweet. He took our conversation and turned it around into a beautiful thing. He may not be able to offer me everything that I need in this relationship, but what he can give, he does. BTW... "tu" means "you" in spanish. The message warmed my heart and definitely has started my day out on a very postive note. Any reminance of hurt that I had left over from yesterday has now been squashed. I still feel bad about the anger and frustration that we slung at eachother, but it happens. Thank God for Paul.
I love him so very much.

These words rhyme with boring:
snoring
coring
touring
mourning
morning
flooring
soaring
mandible
(but it's a good word to know...so it counts)

It's so funny. You spend all day acting like a lunatic and then suddenly it is 4pm and you are exhausted and bored out of your mind. I don't understand it. Now that I am not angry anymore...I have nothing left to contribute to this day. I am so fucking BORED! UGH!
I wanna go home now please. Home forever!
Eh...maybe just until tomorrow.

Just talked to Paul and he was amazing. It doesn't take away the hurt and anger I am still feeling. That will take some time. However, I am a little comforted by the fact that he does love me so much. I know I say it every five minutes, but let me say it again. Being in a long distance relationship absolutely blows. Conversations are always misinterpreted, fights get so out of hand, and there is never a chance for that beautiful make up sex. Instead, both people walk away feeling empty and alone. I know he is really lonely and hurt right now. That hurts the most. I don't want him to hurt.
NEVER EVER EVER EVER get into a long distance relationship folks. They are impossible to make work. No matter how much you try. It will never be a full-fledge give and take until the two of you are in the same place.
It is an every day ache that can be dealt with, but never cured. It is sad and it is difficult.
This whole thing is so tough.

Feel a little bit better having layed out in the park for an hour. Getting some sun makes things just a little more tolerable.
I love this kid so much that he makes me fucking crazy. It is so hard to explain. Ugh.
I don't know. So tired emotionally right now. He takes a lot out of me.
I just want my vacation/bday/4th of July to go well. It's just that everything is like pulling teeth with him. And I hate the dentist.
What a long day. I pray for it to be over. Time to go back to bed and start over again tomorrow.

fucking hate him. fucking hate Paul. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
he makes me so damn crazy. he makes me want to hurt me deeply. Really. He makes me want to HURT him.
fucking hate him.

UGH. Dilemmas dilemmas. I just spoke with Paul about the upcoming events in the next couple of months. We spoke about my birthday/4th of July and a weekend trip with the girls of 56B. (we are hoping and desperately trying to plan a weekend in the poconos or something) The weekend with the girls is supposed to be with boyfriends. I asked Paul if he would accompany me there and he immediately said "no, I don't want to". He is like "I don't know any of those people and I am not going". Fucking figures. Why should he ever make a sacrifice like this for me? Whatever. I will still go without him. It embarrasses me, but there is still time for him to change his mind. And if he doesn't....eh...I'll cheat on him. That will make me feel better. :-D
I don't know what to do for my birthday and 4th of July. No one has really mentioned anything to me yet and Paul is of no help. He would LOVE for me to come to Boston on the 4th and wants me to stay through the weekend so that he can work the whole time and leave me stranded in the apartment. Sounds like a plan. YEAH FUCKING RIGHT. I am NOT spending my long 4th of July weekend sitting on an ugly orange sectional couch cooped up in the fucking living room alone. Never gonna happen.
So as of this moment...I will not be going to Boston. OH! And want to know the real kicker?
Paul is like..."I am coming to NYC on June 28th and staying through July 3rd."
At first I am like "Great! You will be here for my birthday!"
Then I realize what he is saying.
Paul is going to come down for a 3 day visit in NYC during which I won't even be here. I am thinking he is coming down for gay pride with Mariah. So I realize that he can't take off the long 4th of July weekend to be with me because he will be taking those other days off to hang with Mariah in NYC - when i am not even here! Real fucking nice.
It's my fucking birthday.
So fine. If this is the "game" we are going to play, I will probably just go home for the 4th. Or maybe to Syracuse with Ritza. I mean really. I am not going to bend over backwards for shit with him anymore. He can do what he wants and I surely will be doing what I want.
Annoying. Frustrating and annoying.
This long distance thing fucking blows.
In other news...I am having beans and rice for dinner. It is my new obsession and I cant wait. Kind of sad, huh?
When Rita and I got home yesterday, I walked in to find my free cd's sitting in my foyer. ROCK! I can't believe it! I was so excited. I screamed like a woman and immediately ran and put them in my stereo. I blared music for hours. Then when Scott and Rita got home, we played The Simpsons Clue game and then a quick round of Pictionary. It was pretty damn fun. Rita won The Simpson's Game, but that might only be because Kelly wasn't there. I think there may be a tournament of champions coming.
Sooooooooooooo hungry. So hungry and yeah...real hungry.
All I want is Burger King and all I can't have is Burger King. I am really trying to cut this shit out before my vacation...but who knows. As Paul said so kindly last weekend, while looking at me with my shirt off, "Are you going to be comfortable with your shirt off at the beach?"
Oh God. Go fuck yourself asshole.
(It was mildly humerous at the time, but now...it's just plain hurtful and obnoxious. I mean...do I sit there and tell him he should be uncomfortable to show his nasty mug in public? And by mug...I mean fucking idiot face.)
I hate him right now.
It'll pass...probably even by lunch...but for right now...I hate.
I want so badly to give a Real World recap from last night, but it might have to wait a few days. It was an exceptionally frustrating and wonderful episode. I gotta give you peeps a chance to catch it. You won't be disappointed!
The more I looked at the blown up headshots last night...the more I loved them. They really grew on me. I think that maybe I'm not bald afterall. Maybe I can still play fun, young characters. Maybe I won't have to play Telly Savalas's twin in my first breakout role. Well...it IS just a maybe.
Yesterday, on the way down the steps from the subway...I saw this kid that I knew from growing up. His name is Jerry and my brother and I used to spend 2 weeks every summer with them while we were growing up. They have a summer house, next door to my granny, and it is on Oneida Lake. It is a beautiful lake and we would go tubing, fishing, swimming, boat racing, etc every summer. We were very fond of Kick the Can. It was the best summers ever! I loved it. But then I grew up and didn't want to go anymore. My granny used to make us drink the milk from our cereal bowls and that made me gag everytime. We would walk downstairs to see our breakfast of cornflakes with sliced banana sitting on the table. I would choke on my disgust and cover the bowl with tons of sugar when she wasn't looking. Nowadays...I WISH I could have cornflakes with bananas. But FUCK if I would ever drink the milk. That shit will never be cool. It will always be slimy and sick.
If you do in fact drink the milk from your cereal bowls...never tell me. I will have to vomit right in your lap.
still hungry.
Hungarian that is.
Don't know what else to write, but don't feel like not writing. Just want to type and type until the frustration with Paul dissipates. I am not the innocent one in the scenario. I am a prick and very difficult to deal with. It's just that I HATE this long distance nonsense. It would be fine if he had to work on July 5th if we were both in NYC. I would just hang with someone else. But when in Boston...I am forced to either see people I don't feel like seeing or sitting in his creepy apartment with his new boring roommate. It's not entirely his fault. The part about coming to NYC to spend gay pride with Mariah and using up his free time with her and not me will always chap my ass, OK
He just called and tried to make it better, but I wasn't having it. I hate him right now.
I don't want anything to do with him and now I definitely don't want to write anymore.
Time to go stew.

Well...I just walked in from lunch. During my break I went to the studio to pick the two shots I liked the best. I was a little suprised at how they turned out. They are good...but I just get nervous. They hadn't been retouched yet, so I hope that that helps. The pictures are definitely not bad. But I am balding! Can someone have a talk with my scalp and tell it to stop it immediately. I mean this is ridiculous. There aren't many roles out there for 18 year old bald kids! Well some...but that is just cancer patients and AIDS babies. I don't want to be a cancer ridden AIDS baby. :(
Whatever....when I got back with the pics...everyone was like..."ooh" and "ahh" and "I don't like them". My boss, Teef, didn't like the way the pictures were taken, and that shook me up a bit. And they saw the ones I DIDN'T pick. If I show anyone the ones I DID pick and they say the same thing...I will probably crawl into a hole and evaporate.
I should have gotten my haircut again before the pics. The spikes on the top of my head make me look bald. But whatever. It's over and I can't worry about it anymore.
I am just going to be confident in the fact that it is over. I have waited to years to get these bald headed pics...now I just have to go out there and audition audition audition.
I want this so badly!
Almost time to go home.
And buy Rogaine!

That pizza sure hit the spot. The spot in my lower intestines. OH UGH GOTTA GO!
Instead of going to the park, I am quickly running to Nick's studio to decide on two of the four headshots he blew up. I hope I can make it back to work in an hour. It will be a close one.
I am so fucking nervous about these pics. I have spent a GREAT deal of money and I really need them to turn out well. They are supposed to save my life. And what if they don't?
I prayed on them last week. I asked God to please bless them and make them what I need. I hope my prayer goes through.
Pray that my prayer goes through, k?
K.
K (now I wear white hoods and believe in white supremacy)
never.
always.
adios.

Pretty great day so far. The weather is beautiful, the co-workers have been pre-occupied, and it is already 1:15pm! ROCK.
Penelope is out sick today. Out sick getting a new love seat!! Amazing. I can't wait to see it. She has been so excited to get it and the day has finally arrived. Oooh...! I know she is having a good day. :-D
So folks...did we catch the new Road Rules? It is season 11 and of course it is wonderful! The cast is really great. They seem like really nice, very young, totally watchable people. There is a gay guy and a lesbian. The gay guy is pretty cool so far and the lesbian is not only beautiful...she is cool as fuck. Kelly...you will LOVE her...I call it now.
And of course...I have a new boyfriend. His name is Eric and he is so fucking adorable, I don't know what to do with myself. Besides being beautiful, he has an incredible sense of humor and is so open minded and cool. Within the first 15 minutes of the premiere, he is fully making out with Kendall (the girl hottie on the show). He totally likes her and the bitch has "too many emotional scars" to deal with him. SNORE. Cuz this kid is a FIND! The gay guy, Shane, jokes about hearing Kendall and Eric making out and Eric is like "Shane, why don't you come up here and cuddle with us?". Shane does and it is so fucking amazing, I almost jizzed right on myself. I want to cuddle with Eric. Why didn't he ask me?!?!?!
Please start watching. I am going to need people to discuss this season with. It's gonna be a good one!
Last night, I got home and hung with Rita and her boyfriend Scott for awhile. I had a glass or two of wine with them and watched some Fear Factor. Scott is a great guy and makes me laugh every time we have a conversation. Also, he is so sweet and polite in the morning and it is a pleasure to bump into him when coming back from the shower. He has a heart of gold. Rita has been overjoyed to have him in the house. As of July 1st, he will be living with us for at least a month. I am happy about it. Be nice to have another guy in the house. As long as he remembers who is queen.
So, supposedly there is a picture of Mike Piazza almost naked in the post today. I guess he did a photo shoot for Women's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. A bunch of athletes did. I have looked all over the paper and have yet to find the pic. If you or someone you know has any idea where this pic could be...email it to Joe ASAP. I am dying to see him with his shirt off. Is it fat? Is it muscle? Is it just plain the best thing ever? Probably.
Last night for dinner, I made Rice and Beans. Now rice and beans has no need for capitals, but last night it did. It was so fucking good. Rita told me what spices to use and boy was she right. I scarfed. Rita and Scott went to KFC to get dinner and brought me back biscuits. I scarfed those too. YUM. Motha fuckin yum. I might have rice and beans again tonight. It was THAT good.
I was supposed to hang with Mariah tonight, but those plans fell through. I invited her to go to this housewarming party with me on Friday. This guy I work with, Ian, is throwing a bash and I feel as though we should all go. If anyone reading this wants to go too, let me know. The more the merrier. Or at least the less uncomfortable.
Going to the park on lunch today. Time for baby to get a tan. Well, time for baby to continue working on getting a tan. Florida is almost here and I am palest. Well not palest by any means...but nowhere near what I need to be.
It's pretty cold in here. My nipples just packed their bags and took the elevator out of here.
Thanks a lot nipples. Fucking bastards leaving me at the worst time. My baby is hungry for some milk!
I just ordered a slice of pizza. Am I fucking serious? I had a slice yesterday. And I had it for dinner on Sunday. And I had it last Friday. This is turning into a full blown obsession. I am embarrassed, down on myself, and TOTALLY EXCITED FOR IT TO GET HERE. This bitch is starving!
This is me eating my pizza:

:-O
:-X
:-O
:-X
:-D - yum

now to eat it for real......................

So although my mood has ranged from elated to annoyed today, the time has flown by and it is almost time to go home.
Rock. This weekend was pretty great. There were a few problems with Paul on Friday, but nothing that wasn't easily worked out. He will just never be allowed to drink alcohol in my presence again. Pretty easy thing to do.
Saturday with Rita and Kelly was great. Sunday's pizza for dinner idea was amazing! Thanks to Rita for that! I can still feel it sitting in the depths of my bowels...but it was oh so good. As though pizza could ever not be good.
If I was Mike Piazza, I would change my name to Mike Pizza. But that is just me.
There was a board meeting today that everyone I worked with had to go to.
Snore.
Hoobastank plays on my Launch Player alot. I like when they play.
Today my glands hurt on my neck. I assume they are glands. If they are tumors...then they can just deal with that...cuz I do not have the time.
fucking phone is ringing.
So Paul got a second job. He will be assisting in an office for 20 hours a week at $15 an hour. I am very proud of him for securing this job. He got it through Mariah's ex-boss. He does need office experience and this will help him with that a bit. He has no idea how to use a computer and maybe this job will assist him with that too.
But...and of course there is always a but....
:(
I don't want him to get another job. He barely has enough time to come visit now and with this new job....(big sigh)
I want him to move here. Well, today I do. We have been talking a lot about it over the last couple of months and we are just about there. He will do it, I think. There is an opening in Mariah's apartment that he could fill. Unfortunately he would have to fill it by the end of July. That may be too quick. There is another girl named Jen, who is pretty cool, that is moving from Boston to NYC at the end of the summer. This idea seems a lot more probable, cept Paul would rather live with Mariah then with Jen. Who wouldn't?
So I don't know. I miss him alot today. I want him to be here so that after work, I can just go to his apartment and climb into bed with him. We can go to movies, plays, dinner, and the such, with no pressure of making sure to get enough "alone" time in.
So fucking frustrating. Trying to be patient about it all, cuz I have to be. Yet, the decision is his and I must let him make the decision on his own.
In other news...
No other news...not in the mood to write anymore.
Gonna go research more information about my vacation! YAYAYAYAY!

barp

HI WINFIELD, if you are reading this. I am so glad that you will be able to see this now!
I love you and call me soon!
Going to turn in my headshots right now and absolutely terrified. Which fucking picture do I fucking pick? I am so confused.
After having all of my friends look at them and even me staring at 8 sheets of proofs for hours...I not only think that I am the ugliest guy on the planet...I think that I am halfway balding and have skin made of rubber.
No matter.
There are tons of parts out there for gay men with rubber face and no hair.
P.s. Kudos for Kelly for being the only one who knew what "Rubber Face" was when I asked the question a couple of weeks ago.
Wish me luck today!

5 minutes until work is over and 5 minutes until I get to see my boyfriend. I love him and I am very excited. I think we might go to a movie or out to dinner. He was in a bad mood on the phone when he called and hopefully that is how he will be all night. :(
Whatever...he is allowed...I just want us to have a nice visit.
YAY! Weekend is almost here!
Right around the corner.
Much...MUCH better day at work today. Thank the Lord for small pleasures.
I had California Rolls today. 8 of them. Rita and I got them for lunch. Um. By the way...I LOVE THEM!
And I got so full while I was eating them. Rita housed them like the house she is. :-D
She was like..."Just push through Joe...keep eating them. You will be hungry in 10 minutes."
And guess what? The girl knows her stuff. I am starving again right now and I just ate 3 hours ago.
Time to go eat something healthier...as in Pizza laden with French Fries and gravy. I may add a little melted chocolate to the top to make it go down a little more smoothly.
Have a great night folks!

Wow what a day. If you ask Penelope, I think that we could justifiably say that this was the worst day we have ever had at work. However it all turned out okay. And you know why? Because she and I have a friendship that knows no bounds. Let me just take a moment and say that I love this girl. No matter what happens at work, she and I have always found a way for our friendship to survive. And we will continue to do so.
She is a good girl. I cherish every moment, conversation, and obstacle we face.
I love you P. I love you dearly.

Okay...one more thing. (I can't stay off this thing today)
I just messed around with my AIM setups. I gave most of my friends "buddy icons" that match their personality. For example...Jessica is a flower (based on Lotus), Mariah is "Tweet" (the singer), and so on and so forth.
However, the best one I assigned was for Angie, Kelly's ex-girlfriend. I made her "Slytherin" from Harry Potter. I am dying laughing at my own little joke. If you have seen the movie, you will understand why Slytherin is so damn funny. Even if you haven't seen the movie, you can understand why SLYTHERIN could be funny. Slither like snakes, memble?
Eh...it was funny to me.

Now these quizzes are just getting ridiculous. Time to sign out of blogger for a bit.





take the butt quiz.


and go to mewing.net. why not visit the site of someone who made a quiz about butts?

OH REAL FUCKING GREAT! REALLY FUCKING GREAT!





take the death quiz.


and go to mewing.net. laura = great.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Funniest quiz ever!





what's your battle cry? |
mewing.net | merchandise!

Fun and could be true

So I just took another test to find out who I was in my past life and this is what it said:

Diagnosis:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You were a guy in your last earthly incarnation.
You were born in the middle of Montreal, Quebec around 1075.
You were a undertaker. You dealt with dead things..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bit about your past-life persona:
You had a huge personality and were well-liked by everyone. People often sought your advice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lesson that your past life has brought to the present:
You are bound to solve problems with pollution of environment, recycling, misuse of raw materials, elimination of radioactivity by all means including psychological methods.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now this is the second time that I have found out that I was an Undertaker in my past life. Is there anyway this could be true?
It would explain why I have such a fear of people dying around me. Losing someone I love is something that plagues me every five minutes of every day. I obsess over it without control. If you know me, you know I deal with this. So is it possible that this is because of what I saw and did in the past? Huh. Interesting to think about.

So I gotta real problem. I am in love with every new teenage female artist. You remember the Michelle Branch phase and then the Vanessa Carlton phase and now....(drumroll please), my new favorite is Avril Lavigne. Please feel free to check her out. (And remember...you heard about her here first!) Her debut song is called Complicated and it is pretty great. It is fun, light, and catchy. Plus...this girl seems to be more of a rocker than the other two. And to top it off, she is actually hot. Member when I thought Vanessa was hot and then she turned out to be beast? Michelle is not ugly...just a little off somehow. But Avril...welcome to my life. The song is good and she seems cool, even if she is only 17.
In my next life I want to be a teenage female rockstar. They have the most fun.

I just love my mother. Is it weird or unacceptable to love her this much? Probably, but I don't care. It is like every time we hang out we get closer and closer. When I hugged her goodbye last night I felt like we were both going to start crying. It is just so intense. I wish that she and my dad could live closer to me. I told her this last night. I would love to get together for dinner with them or meet up for a movie or just sit around and have some wine and talk. I can't get enough of them and each time we DO get together it goes by so quick and then it's goodbyes. I hate goodbyes.
Last night I ran to pick up my headshots and then I jetted over to the Crowne Plaza where my mom was staying. We poured over the headshots together and she picked her favorite ones. (I have to admit that with over 100 different shots, 75% of them were so damn ridiculous that I couldn't stop laughing. Laughing with an embarrassed face.) After this, we went to the upper east side and did some shopping. She threw out her lower back earlier in the week so she has been experiencing some pain whenever she walks.
:(
But she wanted to shop and that we did.
After this we went back to 42nd and walked around for a bit. Ultimately we ended up at this diner called Stardust's. It is a 50's style diner where the waitresses sing while they wait on you. No. Seriously. It was:
"Hi, my name is Kerry and I will be your waitress."
(Pause to sing a line from Phantom of the Opera)
"What would you like to drink?"
(Pause to sing another line)
In the beginning I had a very hard time keeping a straight face. I mean...they were waiting on tables and singing into microphones. I loved it! And I decided that this will be the restaurant that Mariah will work in. She says that she wants to wait tables. I feel that with her experience and knowledge of the food industry, a diner really works best for her. AND YOU GET TO SING DURING THE WHOLE SHIFT! Perfect for her.
The food was great. (what diner food isn't?)
After dinner we walked around a bit more and then went back to her hotel room. We talked for a bit and then I said goodbye. :(
The last two days with her have been very special and I thank God for my relationship with her. She is the person I love the most in my life. She is everything.
I paid off the rest of the vacation with her. I also gave her money for the father's day gift I got my dad. In total: $236. Yikes. Really yikes. Like I even come close to having that money. Oh well. At least the vacation is paid for now. All I gotta do is save up some spending cash. Thank GOD I opened that savings account. Otherwise...I would really be in the whole.
After getting home I watched the Real World and then Kelly Osbournes' "Making the Video". Love the girl, but she is a little cheesy. Ok..a lot cheesy and I am thinking that this girl will be a one hit wonder. Well that is if Madonna won't let her use any more songs.
But the REAL WORLD! Oh man this show just keeps getting better and better. A full flege war has been waged between Tonya and Kera. Please catch the repeat to see what I mean. And next week!?!?!?! DAMN GOIL! This shit be goin down!
Tomorrow Paul comes into town to stay for a couple of days. I can't believe how much I miss him already. I have seen him so much lately, but it never seems to be enough. I can go a good 3 days without feeling sad, but after that...it gets kind of hairy.
Ugh. The life and times of a long distance relationship. Does this upset ever go away? Nope. Definitely not.
Remind me to never do this long distance thing again, ok? It doesn't feel so good.
So I woke up this morning to find 3 half naked boys in my living room. Well isn't THAT a beautiful early morning present! Loved it!
I sat with Kelly for a bit and talked about her night. Sounds like her and Rita had quite the evening. Drinks and a show and fun! Good for them. Well good for Rita. Kelly gets wasted every night now. lol. Check out her diary to see.
Also, on the subway this morning I saw an old woman's panty covered vagina. Enough said.
And on my out of the house this morning I heard fuckface, Angie's roommate, coming down the stairs. I quickly went back in to the house to wait for him to leave. I even took a different route to the subway, but of course I ran into him on the platform. We said not a word to eachother. Just looked and moved on. Phew. I didn't want to have slap his fag face so early in the morning. :-D
Alright...on to work. I have already killed a good 20 minutes by sitting her and typing away.
ROCK.

Wow. Well good for me. I actually got this huge project finished today. I was convinced that it would ride over until tomorrow.
But nope!
(insert golf claps here)
I failed to mention in my last, ridiculous entry that I received my plane tickets for Florida yesterday!
YAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYSNARF! I am so excited. Want to hear something embarrassing? (Sure Joe)
I sat and read every detail on the tickets and brochures. Then a tear slipped out of my eye and fell on my leg. No joke.
The reason for this is simple:
I have never been on a real vacation without my family. This is such a huge step in me becoming an adult. I can't believe that I am almost 25 and have never done anything like this before. In the past it meant nothing to me to do this. Now...it's all I think about. For a whole week Paul and I are going to be attached at the hip. Loving eachother, fighting with eachother, kissing and hugging eachother, (maybe even fucking eachother by that point). It's pretty unbelievable. I don't have to share him with anyone for a week and he won't have to share me.
I spent almost my whole day at work yesterday printing out information about things to do while we are in Orlando. I found some gay clubs for us to go to. I ordered this $10 coupon/brochure kit that is based out of Kissimmee. (Kissimmee is 5 minutes from where we are) The kit has over $3500 worth of coupons/free passes to places, etc. It will give us some idea as to what else to do while we are there. Also it will hopefully save us some money. (And the kit comes with a free t-shirt, so how could I NOT order it?)
I also ordered a free Disney Vacation planning video. The tickets to the theme parks are very expensive and I figure the video will give us an idea as to what parks we want to go to. We ain't doin em all...cuz that would cost just under $500. Uh what?
Disney...you be robbin me blind.
I am more excited for Universal though. I definitely want to do both of the parks they have there.
Also, I talked to my mom last night about renting a car for when we are down there. She can score me a phatty deal and then we will have it for the whole week! Aren't moms the best? I just love her. She is making this vacation turn into the most amazing experience of my life.
She is so good to me.
So that's the vacation update.
Now lets discuss RENT for a minute.
First off...I think it was Roger and Angel's first performance. Not only did Roger absolutely suck to the point of embarrassment (no...I am fucking serious...he was ugly/had horrible pitch/and no stage presence whatsoever...yikes), Angel was also not good at points and OK at other points. At the end of the show when they show the video on the wall...both the old Roger and Angel (from when Paul and I saw it a couple months ago) were in it. They should beg those two to come back and boot these amateurs.
Manley Pope was the old Roger...and YUM! Also, I don't know if you memble or not, but the old Angel hit on me outside of the show last time. As soon as I saw his face in the video, I about melted all over again. Damn he was cute.
And not too feminine...in real life that is.
The first act of the show was really off. My mom actually said to me, at intermission, "Doesn't this seem like a college performance?" I burst out laughing and said "Yes mom...yes." Thank God she has seen it before.
The second act was SLAMMING! I burst into tears during Tom Collins song...as always...but this guy did it (as Rita said earlier) Mary J. Blige style. He screamed the ending and I sat there with my breath having been taken away. It was so wonderful.
They really got their act together during the second half and I was so relieved for that.
I would LOVE to see the show again tonight if I had a billion dollars. Or maybe if I have $50 that would work too.
I didn't get home until really late. My room looks like shit and I was exhausted. Gotta catch up on rest and clean my shit up. Paul will be here and my room stinks of STANK! Plus I gotta do laundry and damn I got a lot to do.
Does it ever end???
Alright...I think that is it for today. I hope everyone is enjoying the weather. It is fucking so beautiful and toasty. Stop complaining you babies. Summer is a time for smiles and tans. Well at least tans, ok?
Hi Jeannie! Are you still reading? I miss you and love you! Come see us again soon, k?
I will rest my voice before you get here so that my RENT performance will be up to par.
PEAYCE!

SO BUSY TODAY! NO TIME TO EVEN WRITE A SMIDGE OF WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.
QUICK RECAP:
RENT WAS AMAZING, OF COURSE
MY MOM WAS EVEN MORE AMAZING
I GET MY HEADSHOTS BACK TONIGHT
I TAKE MY MOM OUT TO DINNER TONIGHT FOR MOTHER'S DAY
I SLEEP IN A FANCY HOTEL WITH HER
I HAVE A DAY OFF FROM HANGING OUT WITH EVERYONE TOMORROW (can you believe that it is my first night to myself in over 2 weeks?) DAMN! and FUCKING YAY!
GOT SOME MORE COLOR TODAY
ACCOMPLISHED A LOT AT WORK AND ALSO IN MY PERSONAL FINANCES LIFE
KELLY OSBOURNE'S SONG IS MY FLAVA FLAVE
AND YES IT IS BETTER THAN MADONNA'S.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. NO ONE CAN ARGUE THAT POINT WITH ME WHEN I AM BLOGGING.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. IN FACT...I HOPE KELLY OSBOURNE REMAKES ALL OF MADONNA'S SONGS.
AND I ALSO HOPE MADONNA DIES.
lol...imagine?
PAUL WASHED HIS WALLET IN THE WASHING MACHINE TODAY. :(
HE IS COMING INTO TOWN ON THURSDAY MORNING. :-D
VERY HAPPY TODAY AND VERY EXCITED TO SEE MY PICS! ROCK OUT WORLD! HERE I COME!

Easy day today. Very quiet and nobody has bothered me. A little busy this morning, but then people just kind of disappeared. Thank the goodness of the Lord.
I went to the park on my lunch break and got some more color on these bones of mine.
My mission: To become black/African American/maybe Red Cherokee Indian this summer by exposing myself to as much sunlight as possible. I want dark and I want it now. Wish me luck folks!
Like anyone is wishing me luck on looking beautiful. :-D

Which Winona Are You?

VERY TRUE. Of all the Winona's out there...this one is definitely me. ;)

Thanks to Rita, we have this incredibly hysterical article about the most hated Real World cast member of all time:
Stephen Truly is an ass

Welcome back to Joe!
Man...it feels like I have been gone for years. I left work last Thursday, miserable with my sinus nonsense and then ended up having the most random, yet exciting weekend ever.
I took last Friday off from work to recuperate and cure the massive sinus infection that seemed to be brewing in my face. In my mind, I was going to stay home all weekend and sleep. Pretty boring, but pretty fun at the same time. Instead, however, I made the spontaneous decision to up and go to Boston on Friday. Mariah and I took the Chinatown bus together and it only cost $40 roundtrip. Needless to say, the bus was rather sketchy and in fact, wasn't a bus at all. It was like one of those handicapped busses that pick people up for highschool or something. But for $40...it was worth it. Upon arrival in Boston, Mariah, Paul and I went shopping, got my haircut, went tanning and out to dinner. We then proceeded to get ourselves all dolled up to go out to the bars for Gay Pride! (Gay Pride in Boston was this weekend - NYC's is at the end of the month)
We hung out with Mariah's girlfriend Marissa and met up with some other people once we got out. I had a blast and met the man of my dreams. Not Paul. (ha. Ha. oops) I was very behaved, but totally wouldn't have been had Mariah not been there to keep me in check. We hopped around a couple bars when Paul pulled me aside and told me that he just wanted to go home and hang out with me. (jnsert "awww...." here)
He and I went back to the apartment and had a seriously GOOD time. We talked about so much shit, we made meatballs, and we made mad passionate love. In fact, we made mad passionate love 4 times in 36 hours. Damn. May be a new record for us.
I met Paul's new roommate "Steve". He was pretty great...not threatening at all. In fact, I rather liked him. His clothes...yikes. But other than that...real nice guy.
Oh! On Friday night, when Paul and I were hanging out...this guy "Geoff" called. Geoff is one of Paul's hookups from when he and I were broken up. In fact, it is the only guy that Paul has hooked up with since he and I have been together. And the kid is a fucking scumbag. So he calls Paul's phone and I think it is Mariah (she and Marissa spent the night at a hotel and were supposed to be calling us from the hotel phone). I pick it up and proceed to play the "Who is this?" game with Geoff for like 3 minutes until he finally tells me who it is. I was very calm and collected when I told him that if he really shouldn't be calling MY boyfriend and that he should be embarassed for calling. (The kid won't leave my boyfriend alone) I was vicious, yet mature, and I totally came out looking like a king. Paul stood by me, holding my hand, saying thank you the whole time. Geoff, apologized over and over for being a shitface and I gave him the final warning to never call again. It was pretty invigorating and great.
Saturday, Paul, Mariah, and some friends of ours from TGIFriday's went to the Gay Pride Parade. It was so wonderful to be there. I went last year to Boston's parade and almost forgot how incredible it really is to be a part of such a huge event. It is like the one day of the year that all gays get along with eachother. Even on Friday night, we ran into some obnoxious gay people, but on Saturday morning...everyone was cheery and happy and helpful. Weird how a parade will do that. We hung out and ate some carnival style food and looked at random exhibits...then Paul had to go to work and I eventually made it back to his apartment to watch "The Mothman Prophecies" and "Harry Potter". Both movies were fucking incredible. Please see them ASAP.
It was hard to say goodbye to Paul yesterday, but he is seriously considering coming down to visit again this Thursday. I really hope so. I still, after all this time, hate this long distance shit. :(
Tonight I am going to see Rent with my mom. Tomorrow I am going out to dinner, drinks, and getting my headshots back with my mom. Wednesday I sleep. Thursday I hang out with Paul. Friday, I go out to party. Saturday I die. I love the fact that I finally have a life and people to see. It's been a LONG time coming and I feel like I have definitely earned the right to have things to do. DEFINITELY. lol. Can't just sit in the apartment and complain anymore. ;)
But so tired I am all the time. :-D - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I got some real color this weekend and a short haircut. I am a brand new boy.
Loving life and happy. Let's keep it that way.

Another day another dollar, or some other bullshit.
Today I have sinus problems like you wouldn't believe. I feel like a monster truck ran over my face and left me in the wake of its destruction. Also, I am feeling rather poetic. Stuffed up and poetic. A bard with a cold.
This should be a quick entry due to the fact that I don't have too much to say. Also, I am tired and not in the mood to type for hours. Last night Rita and I went to Mariah's apartment to hang out with her and Rachel. During the day Rita and I were exhausted from the night before, but we knew we had to push through and do it up. And that we did. It was such a good time. We just relaxed, had a little wine, ate pizza, and talked. Rita couldn't stay over, so she left shortly after the Real World (10:30pm). Mariah and Rachel were really worried about Rita going home by herself, but I knew she was tough and that if anyone fucked with her, she would have kicked their lilly ass. She had a few minor subway annoyances on the way home, but made it there in one piece.
And then....
When she GOT home...lo and behold there was an adorable boy sitting on the couch waiting for her! (OHHHHHHHHH!!!!)
How fucking cute that he surprised her. An extra night to be with her boy. She is walking on sunshine today and I am so happy for her. I screamed like a fucking girl when she called us and told us that he was there. How wonderful.
After Rita left, Mariah, Rachel and I sat around hysterically laughing at yearbooks and old photo albums. Ironically enough, they know so many people from my home town. We gossiped and shit ourselves over some of the stuff we found out about our mutual acquaintances.
The pizza was good too. And actually, the pizza being good was the most important part of the evening. Bad pizza leads to bad attitudes.
LOL.
Never.
Mariah was so grateful and sweet to me for staying over. Love her.
And can you believe it??? I was on time this morning. From Brooklyn! Takes about an hour and 15 minutes to get to work from Mariah's place. When I woke up at 6am this morning and couldn't fall back to sleep...I knew that I was going to be a zombie all day. And lo and behold...I am Joe Zombie. (Cousin of Joe Dirt) Tonight is what God calls a "Day of Rest". I am going home, climbing in bed, making some soup, and putting in a movie. YAYAYAYAYAYAY!
Makes me happy inside to think about it. Makes me horny too.
And actually, makes me SICK TO MY FUCKING STOMACH!!!
juxt kiddin
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
time to have a smoke

Which Empire Records Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

What the fuck happened last night?
Rita and I went out for a few simple drinks for Happy Hour with Mariah and Rachel at a beautiful bar called McAnn's. Next thing we know, it is 4 hours and another bar later and we is wasted and wondering when it was that she and I became rockstars. Usually it is bed at 7pm. Last night it was bed at 1:30am. Whoa. (Said who-ah)
What a great time we had. Rita got to know Rachel and Mariah a little better. We laughed, danced, drank thousands of drinks and even received a free round at McAnn's. For no reason! The waitress was the weirdest bitch to wait a table, however, she was super cool when she gave us free booze. She also kept trying to shove Boof popcorn down our throats. But we weren't having it. After McAnn's, we walked up to Zanzibar and continued to get wasted and party out like it was a Friday night.
My favorite parts of the evening were as follows:
1) Running into Penelope's roommate David. How often do I see people I actually know in the city? NEVER.
2) Rita spilling her drink all over the table while it was completely full. Then the waitress brings her a new one and doesn't charge her for it. (Awwww.....)
3) Doing the "stick-shift" driving dance move to the point of hysteria.
4) Having moments with Mariah that make me love her even that much more.
5) Chilling out with Rachel and making her my new best friend. As I said last night "She is my new project".
6) Buying new sunglasses! I have never really owned sunglasses before. I am SO NY now.
7) The talks, both serious and not serious, that I had with each person I went out with.
8) Coming home to see Kelly sitting on the steps wasted from drinking a bottle of red wine!
9) Being social, happy, and comfortable with who I am and what I had to contribute to this brand new situation I was in.
What a great night. Upon arriving at home, Kelly, Rita and I played in the backyard for a while. Rita was wasted and spilled a glass of wine, broke a glass of wine, and ran around the backyard flying on her broomstick. She was Thoroughly Modern Millie. After slamming myself in the face with a broomstick and Rita showing us fencing moves, it was time to go inside. Unfortunately, Rita hid in the backyard, which if you have seen my backyard...there ain't many places to hide. But she did a good job and it took about 20 minutes to get her lil' ass inside.
Once in the house, the three of us choreographed dance moves until about 12am and then crashed into our beds. It was a fun and wonderful evening.
Today was a day of exhaustion, pizza, and nonsense. I have done about 17 seconds of work all day. I did play on IWON.com all day though. I was convinced that I was about to win $10,000 and be able to pay off my massive debts.
Nope.
But it was fun playing the different games.
Fuck no it wasn't.
I spoke with Paul last night and it was kind of a bad conversation. He is miserable in Boston without Mariah. I can tell. He won't talk to me about it. All he does is yell at me and tell me that I am fucking up or something. I have been very patient with him and am trying to just take him venting cuz I know he needs that from me. It is hard though. Very difficult in fact. He is merciless when it comes to ripping me a new asshole sometimes. And usually for no reason too. But whatever...the reason is his sadness and I am going to try to be the best boyfriend I can be.
Things are going so well these days! I feel really great. I have some new friends in the city, my social life has perked way up, I have my Mariah here finally!, my headshots are done, the weather is beautiful, and WOW. I am happy. The usual bullshit that upsets me on a daily basis, although not gone for good, is being easily replaced by the fact that my life is changing and fast. I feel like I am moving on to that next level and I am very excited about it. As I have said over and over in this blogger, the rut that I have been in has been horribly painful and frustrating, but it is beginning to end. I have high hopes for the future and for the direction in which my life is seeming to go. This is what I have moved to the city for. It only took a year and a half for me to finally make a group of friends. I have variety now. And how great is variety?!?! So great.
Kelly has friends here, Penelope has grown up here, Rita just got here...it is about time I started getting out of the house and making my life. YAY!
Tonight I am going over to Mariah's with Rita for drinks, a movie, and prolly some pizza. And prolly some cigarettes too. As I said yesterday, I will be spending a great deal of time with her over the next couple of weeks. She needs it and so do I. It's kind of like establishing our new working relationship. So far it has been even better than I imagined. I am thrilled to be able to be one of the most important people she has in NYC. I am thrilled to be introducing her to new people. WOW.
Sensation overload.
My birthday is less than a month away at this point. Ooh...what to do, what to do.
Best not to think about it.
The big 25!
ok...stop Joe...you said you weren't going to think about it.
Tomorrow, Rita's boyfriend will be pulling into town for a quick visit. He is going to be an NYPD stud and has to take his physical and do other sorts of bullshit. I think that Rita is extremely excited. She tries not to show it, but if you look closely, you can see her vagina pulsing with passion beneath her jeans.
omigod...did I just really say that?
yes I did Rita.
yes I did.
HA!
Kelly is busy playing the "I love you....as a friend" game with a straight girl named Sasha. This girl is BIZOMB! She is so cool and so hot. Kelly is doing a wonderful job of playing it safe. She controls herself (most of the time), is a great friend to this girl, and is truly developing a very personal relationship with her. It seems obvious to me that Sasha is interested. Obvious.
However, Kelly has done this before with Angie. And she dealt with so much bullshit with it that I thought she would never play in these type of waters again. Guess you can't decide who to fall in like with.
We shall wait and see what comes next.
Well, I guess that is it! About 45 minutes left of work. Thank the goodness of the lord.
I am about ready to jump off the terrace.......into a vat of boxed wine.

Had a wonderful talk with my brother and mother today. Both conversations went REALLY well. That always puts a positive spin on my day.
Also opened a savings account and fixed the bullshit with my checking account.
Man I have been productive.
Now it is time to get fucking blasted.
Nice Joe. You are 25 years old (almost). Do you get excited about getting blasted still?



Yeth. Yeth I do.

The weekend is over and now I must face the fact that I don't have a day off until July. Ugh. I have to work a REAL job now? Unfair. It will be ok. Cuz in July is my birthday and vacation!!!
Ok...I am going to be 25 years old. Can I NOT be 25 years old? Actually 25 is kinda cool. It's so old and mature. And maybe I will get my man body then.
Last night for dinner, I made gorditas and tacos. Rita brought home canolis for dessert and we all just ate and ate until the upset stomachs forced us into our rooms to writhe in pain. I woke up this morning with some serious indigestion. But I don't think that was from the tacos. I think that was from the pack of crackers that I ate in bed.
(Do you remember that commercial about crackers in bed? "But motha, they ahn't crackahs, they ah fig newtons")
Stupid british and their great commercials.
Now I drink orange juice and get acid stomach. Yum.
Tomorrow I get to go see how my headshots turned out. I am pretty excited. The whole experience was wonderful. The photographer, Nick Granito, was so good with me. We spoke for just about an hour before he took any pictures. He wanted to know all about me so that during the shoot he could say things to me to get me where he wanted me to go with each roll. We talked alot about Paul, a lot about my acting, my experiences in NYC thus far...it was great. He gave me tons of compliments, told me I had a "great look", informed me of certain things that I need to know as far as becoming an actor goes, and overall just gave me back some of the confidence that I have lost since college.
I walked out of the studio on cloud 10. (Cloud 9 was booked due to a prior engagement) I was so thrilled. It made me want to do photo shoots every day. I LOVE IT I LOVE IT!
After that, I went to stay at Mariah's apartment with Paul. Rachel was there and we smoked and laughed and blared music and just rocked out. That night we went to a bunch of different places for drinks; including the XL Lounge and Henrietta Hudsons. Mariah seemed upset at the first couple of places and I picked up the fact that we needed a shot of lesbianism stat. We rushed over to the ever popular lesbo bar and had a blast! Mariah's mood quickly picked up and she was like the queen of the bar. She was up dancing on the "stage" for about the entire night. Girls, guys, dogs, and bunnies were all over her. I think that Henrietta's made her feel more at home. It is comfortable, crazy, and she was the star. I was so proud of her.
She scored us ecstacy, free drinks, passes to an after hours party, and a special invite to a party later on in the week. (Side note, we did not take the X) I gotta use this girl more often. She can get me some good shit.
After we got back to her apartment, she crashed. In my 2 years of being close to Mariah, I have only seen her cry a handful of times. In the 2 days that I hung out with her over the weekend, she cried about 8 times. :(
She is pretty homesick for Boston and very overwhelmed. It will be ok. It takes time and as long as everyone in her life just gives her a little breathing room, she should be able to rise above it all with flying colors. I have faith in her and I will be here for her all the way. It's my turn afterall.
Having her here in the city is just about the best thing that has happened in a while. She and I have so much fun, an incredible support system within eachother, and an understanding that only happens between best friends. I think you get what I am saying. Also, by having her here, I have just about doubled the amount of friends I have in the city. Scary, huh? I can still count them all on one hand, but hey...at least it's something!
Paul was incredible this weekend. He was so good with Mariah, so good with me, and an absolute pleasure the entire visit. If it weren't for me and my smart ass mouth, we wouldn't have fought about anything all weekend. When he and Mariah said goodbye to eachother on Saturday morning, Rachel and I sat there and cried along with them. The whole situation broke hearts. Seeing Paul cry over having Mariah move made me want to pick him up in my arms and cradle him like the adorable little child he really is. He is so tough sometimes that it really seems as though he doesn't have a heart at all. But then when confronted with a situation in which he can't control his emotions, he just lets go and I just fall in love all over again. He was such a good boy!
He is coming to visit again next week. And I can't wait.
What else? Going for drinks with Mariah tonight. It will be her first "drinks" outing. I mean, it won't be the first time that she has ever HAD drinks...but it will be her first "I live in NYC and go for drinks around 5pm" outing. She is excited and I know it will get her mind off of being lonely.
She just called. She sounded GREAT! I am so proud of her. She was like: "I am on 34th and 5th!" YAYAYAY. It is so cute to hear her say that.
I am just thrilled by this whole thing.
Alright...almost time for a smoke. And I need it today. (WINKLES!)

Nice. I just wrote the longest entry and lost the whole thing.
Sometimes you make me so angry fucking blogger.
I aint writing it again, so there!
Blogger misses out now.